Why we dream of former loves Lifestyle

When you slept, perhaps you dreamed of the former and woke up with the question, “What was it? what all about? “

The good news for chronic analysts: a strong dream about a person you cared for months or even decades ago doesn’t mean you secretly yearn for him. Deirdre Barrett, a dream researcher at Harvard University and author of Pandemic Dreams and Sleep Committee, who has a doctorate in clinical psychology, said a number of factors could trigger a dream about an ex-partner.

“Triggers can be the anniversary of a death, a breakup, or a divorce decree,” she said. “But dreams can also be a reaction to how we feel about our current relationship.”

Instead of looking at dreams of the former as a sign that they are still hanging on them, or as a signal to look for them on social media, Barrett said to think of them as a chance to explore your current emotions and the way you cope with them. them.

“The whole idea that we’re dealing with death or a rupture of an‘ all or nothing ’relationship is misleading,” Barrett said. “Life is a continuous” overcoming “. These things never disappear completely. “

Here Barrett and another expert analyze the conclusions of three such dreams. To protect the privacy of both parties, we use names only for dreamers and do not call their ex.

The ex-husband appears again47-year-old Andrew was divorced for three years when he dreamed of his ex-wife. At the time Andrew, who is now in a different relationship, was thinking about going to his ex, with whom he had been married for 10 years to mature.

In the dream he was meeting his sister at his parents’ house for dinner, and they came to find his ex-wife in the backyard, who was sitting quietly at a picnic table. He and his family then went into the house and looked out the window at his ex-wife.

Andrew said he woke up feeling “dodged a bullet” and later decided that contacting his ex would be a bad idea.

That Andrew’s dream has given enough insight to change his course of action, Barrett said, confirms what is commonly called the continuity hypothesis: a theory that argues that the anxieties in our dreams can reflect those in our waking lives.

“He said he thought it might be smart and even a pleasant time to meet his ex,” she said. “But something in the dream made him abandon that plan.”

Jan Wallace, a psychologist from Inverness, Scotland, and author of “Unravel Your Dreams: Unlock Your Unconscious and Turn Your Life Into Awakening”, was struck by the calm image: the calm face of the former Andrew and the picnic table.

“A picnic table can symbolize that now he has the opportunity to make himself easier and more enjoyable,” he said.

Steppe to attract attentionFive years after 31-year-old Zack broke up with his three-year-old girlfriend in 2014 over problems related to long-distance meetings, he dreamed of meeting them in what Zack called the “Academy of Magic.” as in the series “Wizards”.

The two were on a large lawn, and Zack heard an old gramophone playing from afar, he said, could be a love song. He started dancing the tap, hoping the ex-girlfriend would see him, but she fell asleep on the blanket.

He was later in a room inside the academy. “All the rooms are closed with a magic spell that only a roommate can break,” Zack said. Hearing a knock on the door, he opened it and found his ex-girlfriend there.

Zack, who is in a different relationship, said he rarely dreams of an ex-girlfriend and that he woke up wishing he was in a magic academy.

According to Barrett, “any room closed by a spell that only its occupant can break” may be related to the problems Zack and his ex faced during long-distance meetings. The fact that Zack woke up wanting him to be in the academy may indicate an openness to reconnect. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see that this dreamer gives him another chance,” she said.

The mystical quality of sleep, Wallace said, suggests that Zack is looking for the perfect relationship. “In life, we can sometimes deceive ourselves with magical thinking when we try to idealize a romantic relationship rather than engage in practical work,” he said.

Restoring relationshipsRight at the start of the pandemic, 34-year-old Justy said she started having one or two dreams a month about her ex-husband, whom she divorced in 2014 after two years of marriage.

In one dream, Justie, who is now single, came to a hotel in the area where her ex grew up. There she discovered that he would marry another. She was soon surrounded by his family and friends, who told her they would like her and him to remarry. Then Justy and her ex were elsewhere, alone. He held her and said he wanted to be with her.

Justy said the dream stayed with her because she felt emotional, even though she and her ex-husband no longer share romantic feelings.

“I think a big part of why these dreams started during the pandemic is nostalgia for when I was married,” she said. “I really liked where my life was and where my career was going.”

The last two years have changed so much in our lives that past relationships may have added appeal because new ones are harder to imagine, Barrett said. The dream may be more about the nostalgia for time that represents her ex, rather than about the person himself.

“Past relationships may have an added appeal because new relationships are now harder to start” because of the pandemic, she said.